Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
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me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
At least try to make it slightly believable
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.