My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
No selfies while hijacking a train.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.