I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
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operators are standing by to ignore your call
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
My love language is deader than Latin
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money