My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
You Might Also Like
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.