I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
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My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.