Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
You Might Also Like
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not