New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
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Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
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Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
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Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
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ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
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Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
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Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
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will: I have a girlfriend
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Me: French Vanilla
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