Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
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Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
WHO DID THIS?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Breaking news:
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
The game has officially changed 😎
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly