Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
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ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
He just like my cat fr
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.