casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
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Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
A leaf blower, but for people.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Buying a well is money well spent.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.