My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
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It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
What the dentist sees