Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
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The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Seems legit
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?