God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
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I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.