reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
You Might Also Like
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait