Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
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Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
4yo: Why don鈥檛 brother and sister listen?
Me: You don鈥檛 either!
4yo: I know but this isn鈥檛 about me right now
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 馃槀 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I鈥檓 so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.