I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
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A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I love it all
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.