[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.