How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
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*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
this post was so formative to me
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
new shirt idea
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
How to properly lift a body
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.