I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
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*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff