An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
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doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?