*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
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My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Has science gone too far?
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan