What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
You Might Also Like
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
He’s cranky this morning
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Sharon, call the vet
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner