My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
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Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Geez man, take it easy.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
*3.5 thank you very much.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
When your parents check you’re ok.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble