There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
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My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
My background check bounced.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A