What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
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INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less