Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
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Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.