WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
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Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
LOL!
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”