St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
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My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
PLOT TWIST:
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels