professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
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If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.