me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
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INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what