My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there