Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
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[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”