SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
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Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My birthstone is kidney
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Unexpected Judgment
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts