I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
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Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do