I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
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Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’