Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
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[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.