Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
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My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
fair
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*