Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
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Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die