I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
You Might Also Like
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway