Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
You Might Also Like
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.