A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
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If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.