I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
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I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
🤣🤣🤣
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.