Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
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Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?