At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
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Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Some people were born into their job.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”