superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
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My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
This is my pinned tweet
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.