Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
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Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.