You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
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“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.