I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
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Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
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Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Candles never taste the way they smell
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH