The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
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I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
The Backseat Boys
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
✌️
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do