[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
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The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
My dad teaching me to drive
🚲+physics = winner
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
An odd boast
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?